FILM ONE: Labyrinth

I began my mission with that charming children's classic from the 80s,
'Labyrinth'. I've always been a huge fan of this film, and not only for David Bowie's bulging crotch region (though I think subconsciously, I even appreciated this as a child). Nor does it have anything to do with my life-long passion for Bowie's music. It's just a bloody good film.

So what is Labyrinth about exactly?

It comes from the same guy who brought you the Muppets, and stars David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly. The prospect of freaky puppets and Bowie is enough to secure it's status as one of the weirdest children's films ever made already. Young Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) is left home alone by her parents and she has to babysit her little brother Toby. But the baby keeps crying and Sarah, while telling him a story to make him sleep, inadvertently conjures from a fantasy world Jareth the Goblin King (David Bowie) who steals the child and brings him to his castle in the middle of a labyrinth. Sarah has to rescue him before midnight, or the baby will became a goblin.

Still following? Good. So criticisms of the film before we move onto it's good points. Connelly's acting can be hideously wooden at times, particularly in the opening scenes. However, I can't help feeling that they shot the film in sequence, because it improves the further into the film we get. Next criticism: Jareth. It's a brilliant name, yes, but would you really fear a King whose name is Jareth? And why does the Goblin King not look like the Goblins? Because he's also supposed to be a romantic lead, but I'll get to that in a moment. My final criticisms are: the special effects are very '80's, and when watching the film as an adult, Bowie's crotch really is distracting.

But what do I mean by a romantic lead? People have argued that this film is somewhat perverted, and I can see where they're coming from. It is implied throughout the film that Jareth is in love with Sarah (points for reference include the songs Within You, As The World Falls Down, and the final confrontation between Jareth and Sarah), but what these people don't see is the context of this. Focusing mainly on David Bowie's actual age in comparison to Sarah's character, the audience have no idea how old Jareth really is, and also how age plays a factor in the fantasy world of the Labyrinth. I don't think it's perverted at all, I just think that it provides a clear and believable motive, and is generally one of the more interesting points of the film.

The puppets are some of the freakiest Jim Henson has ever created (except for Ludo, big huggable monster that he is). I'm not entirely sure why Sarah's dog from the beginning turned up as a 'noble steed' rather than using a puppet, but we shaln't question that further.

For we've glossed over the (second) most memorable part of the whole film (I'm sure I don't need to say what the most memorable part is again). The music. As a long-time Bowie fan, I must admit that his 70s work was my favourite, but this soundtrack harnesses some fine tracks. Within You is deliciously creepy and utterly heartbreaking, As The World Falls Down will leave you mesmerised, but there is one song that should be remembered above all others, which is what I will end this post with. Sing along everybody.

'You remind me of the babe' 'What babe?' 'The babe with the power' 'What power?' 'The power of voodoo!' 'Who do?' 'You do!' 'Do what?' 'Remind me of the babe!'